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This is the Chris Abraham Show. Hey, this is Chris Abraham and just a few hours ago I did episode 33. But I was thinking I was sitting in Adido's cafe and this lovely barista who I spent 45 minutes with yesterday, stopped by and I told her how. Like spending 45 minutes talking to her made my day and she like came in and gave me a hug. I mean she was standing, I was sitting.
It was very nice gesture. And she's a raised, she's a could be a senior next year in high school. So she's a wee youngin. And she was bragging yesterday about her for a P for psychology. And I asked her, she's she's she's mixed race.
She's half Costa Rican and half Howley and beautiful smart girl. Told me all about her anxiety and her depression and she's the most sweet and kind person. And I was hoping it wasn't a facade. And it's not. She's lovely. I refuse to call lovely people naive. I think that is cynical.
So I will not call her that. She is lovely. Full stop. And she so everybody out there pray for her to get into either UVA or Upenn. Those are her what she calls stretches.
But I told her that if she can write an amazing narrative about being, you know, pura Vida and like, you know, having a Costa Rican dad and like all that other stuff like she. She'll get her position at one of those schools. So, and then I was thinking about my conversations with my buddy Mark Harrison over the last 30 years, 33 years, 40 years. And I was thinking about how I was seeing, about how I learned as a dive master, a Patty dive master. And a dive photographer with my dad, Bob Abraham. Robert John Abraham.
I realized as a free diver and a scuba diver and a diver in Hawaii. Nay, and especially as a photographer, I realized that what you need to do when you go underwater is you need to slow your breath. You need to calm down and you need to stop chasing everything. You need to stop chasing everything. You need to actively sit back, stop, look and listen.
And I dare say that my last 10 years in Arlington. Much more so than Portland or Berlin or Norwich or Hawaii or DC, even. Because I've been sick and tired. And because I died at at 47. I died for three minutes. And because this is a boring neighborhood and a shitty community and none of my friends are impressed. And it's.
Garbagey and crappy and I live like a pauper. I've had the freedom to use my scuba diving strategy on the daily. I leave my apartment on a daily scuba dive of my neighborhood. Because I'm on foot, I don't move very fast. Because I am 53 and grizzled, I don't attract that much attention.
Because I'm slow and casual, I and because I spent a lot of time sitting around while working in cafes and parks, walking down the street at libraries and so forth, I treat each place like Starbucks on Penrose or Ididos or. Main Library Arlington or Shirlington library or my local Columbia Pike Arlington Library. I treat every place as if it's a a different dive spots in a different coral reef. And then I just go there and I spend time. And because I'm slow and because I'm observant, I notice all the.
More eels hiding in the holes. And I notice all the sleepa lobster and I notice all the Dakine octopus. You know, I see the clown fish in the Humu Humu Nuku Nuku Abu Ah. And I see the Pacific green sea turtle and I see the. Eagle Ray and I see the manta ray and I see the white tip and the black tip.
Sharks and I see the hammerheads, and in the distance I see the dolphins and I see the humpbacks and I see the pilot whales. And I have plenty of time because my entire life is about making sure that my tank of compressed air. Lasts all day long, and because I only hang out at around 30 feet or one atmosphere, my my compressed air lasts. Lasts forever. And so instead of chasing around pretty baristas being like, hey, hey, how's it going hey, I just sit back and if.
And I live my life and I'm not antisocial, but I'm not keen. I mean, one should never, when one is out of high school, ever pursue friendship with a 10 year old girl, with an 18 year old girl, with a 17 year old girl, with anybody. Like that's not your space. So you just need to, you just need everybody to know. That you are not a spear hunter.
That you're just a recreational diver, and that all you want to do is take pictures and you're not pokey or or touchy or steely. You're not there to, like, bother, the more a eel or chase the frickin green sea turtle or be an annoyance. If anything, you might bring down some, some, you know, chopped up fish or, you know, you might even get to the point where the eel allows you to stroke it. Or, you know, even though in Hawaii it's illegal to touch green sea turtles, I've had green sea turtles approach me and I've had dolphins approach me and I've had pilot whales approach me. And I've had humpback whales approach me and I've had, you know, I've had octopuses trust me enough to go ahead and crawl up on me and leave all their sucker marks.
And that's how I want to engage the world. Wherever I'm at, I want to be a safe enough recreational diver, scuba diver, so that you know. 10 year old little girls at park run races can befriend me as a chum and teach me how to take numbers or a 17 year old barista with aspirations of UVA or pen that they want to give me a hug as opposed to. Creepy freak who's like, give me hug, give me hug, give me attention, give me hug, pretty girl, blah. I want to be the kind of guy that a beautiful barista, pregnant woman who's seen me for the last 10 years in the neighborhood. I want her to feel like she comes up to me at Starbucks and gives me a Tumblr and a little card thanking me for being a good.
A good customer instead of me holding court. I never want to hold court. I want to be accepted into your court. I never want to be the main character. I want to be in the front row.
I never want to be the active player. Even when I think about video games, I'm the guy who watches other people play video games. On YouTube or or or Twitch or Switch or bitch or Lich or whatever. Like I'm not the guy who likes to play whatever Zelda.
I like seeing other people do that kind of stuff. I treat it like a movie, and if anything, I want to be the NPC in your life I want to be. Thinking about role-playing games, like like online role-playing games like Dungeon Dragons and so forth, I want to be that townsman who comes up to you and like and you click on them and you you click talk and they're like, hello fellow traveler, it is so great to see you. We've been attacked by an endless amount of pirates and we're hoping that you. Hero will be able to protect us. I hear that there's a amazing plus five shield and plus 10 sword, and we think that if you get that back you can protect our town.
Good luck. Let me know if there's anything you need. Pura, Vida and Aloha. That's who I want to be. I have no desire to hold court.
I have no desire to be the epicenter of anything. And it's working so far by treating my little community, my 15 minute city, as if I were a good-natured recreational diver who just wants to have a lovely, memorable experience with his eyeballs and maybe his camera, but not with his spear or his gun. Or his bag of stealing or his whatever. Then this is my advice to you. I feel like, I feel like this is always rewarded.
Like this morning there's this like really super handsome fit guy who sits outside and works and he up till now hasn't really lifted his eyes or like engaged with me or whatever. And. Yesterday I think I said something and he was just like whatever. And I was sitting in the in the cafe at the single comfy chair and and he walked by to go to the bathroom and he said hello to me, right. So I had spent enough time just being familiar and friendly and but not needy not thirsty as the kids say. That you know he eventually just said hello, right. And I'm willing to wait forever.
Like I'm there's another saying that I've been attached to, which is live life, not attached to outcome. Like do your part but don't get like don't don't get attached to your outcome. So so the same thing there's this this quirky dude. Who has like so many shopping bags, like the like the paper kind of bags that you get at Whole Foods and he slips around with them and he carries a obviously defensive stick, a metal stick and he sits there with his glasses on and his hat on and gives out like semi homeless. Crazy vibes, slight African American man. And here comes a helicopter.
That helicopter was low enough that it threw a shadow in the park that I'm at. I'm at Penrose, sorry. I'm at Walter Reed Community Park and I'm watching some people play pickleball. I took you on a walk from my dittos to here, so Oh yeah. So every time I go to the bathroom, if he catches my eye, nod at him.
That went on. Catch his eye, nodded him. Catch his eye, nodded him. Catch his eye. Happened for weeks. Because I can tell that the guy was fronting the guy was like using I'm fucking crazy as his defensive wall. His like, I deserve to be here.
His, his, his, like space control, right? He kind of sets up his bags and stuff and kind of takes up space. One day I was heading to the bathroom and he pops up and we start talking and he reminds me of he's so smart and quick and witty and funny and intelligent and charming and he told me his name is Bridgewater. So I remember his name is Bridgewater. So every time we see each other, we chat, we share dive reports, dive logs. And everybody at Starbucks knows how charming and interesting and so forth.
But it took me a long time for me to engage what I saw as a Maury Eel man. He was a big toothy Maury eel. And just by just by visiting his choral every day, eventually he knew that knew that I was not a threat. I was not competition. I was not judgy.
But for for us, the fact that he was carrying a baton was also red flag for me, right? Like anybody with a baton or concealed carry or even a flick pocket knife, utility knife like is a potential threat. And I I'm not naive. If I notice a threat, I take note of it in my head and I prepare accordingly. So.
He was always had the asterisk has a metal baton, but doesn't hide it like he has it just there and he walks with it. Anywhere he goes, he he brandishes his metal baton. So that makes me wary of him. That makes me see that he is to quote my episode 33, he is a very he's a, he's a rattlesnake. Very comfortably rattling, rattling, rattling, rattling.
And I needed to be the best snake charmer I could be, right? I needed the snake to put away its rattle and put away its fangs. And now Bridgewater and I are chums. And if I give you any advice, my advice is to not just to be your best self publicly. And openly catch everybody's eyes, smile gently, nod gently,
and then be consistent. Be a little playful, Take a little bit of a risk. Go out of your way to befriend. But then if you take a risk and befriend or have story time or assert yourself. On conversation.
Then back off. Back the F off. Do not treat it like you've taken a hill and you own that hill. If you take the hill, give the hill back. If you take the hill, give the hill back. You take the hill.
Give the hell back. Eventually, hopefully, if you're doing it right, the hill will invite you to tea. The hill will invite you to dinner. The hill will become your friend. I do not deserve to have a 10 year old little girlfriend.
I might not have a little 11 year old friend, but if, if the mom, if the little girl and so forth ever want to invite me to tea, I will surely gladly bring flowers. And what is it? Scones. What do people bring to tea? Scones, Tea.
Sandwiches. The barista today, 1718 year old girl. I will always give up two hills. Make sure she feels totally comfortable inviting me to tea. I will not overstay my tea time. I will not assume that if I give tea sandwiches that I am owed anything back.
The entire thing is paid in full with the time. Attention in conversation forever and ever, I'm in. I'm not playing a game of trying to win hills. I'm not trying to win a war. There's no battle going on.
I will always gladly seed back any, any land that I get. If I feel like the people there have no interest in continuing the friendship, I will always ask for permission. I will always ask for consent. I will always make it sound not serious, like it's play, so that nobody feels like they have to say something so as to save face. And then I will come back tomorrow.
And never, never assume that we are in the same relationship that we were last time. There's nothing to lose, man. What do they say? The more you give it away, the more it comes back. The more you let it go, the more it returns. It seems to work.
And then never get attached to outcomes. Never expect. Never, never. Never require anybody to give you their agency. Never expect anybody to give you their autonomy.
Never. Assume that it's a game of dominance or 0 sum game. There's enough love to go around and you don't want love that's not opted in. You don't want love where every day when you meet someone again, they don't have an opportunity to always choose you.
As an only child of narcissists, I know all the tools. To manipulate people into loving me. But that's not real love, man. At all. That sucks. And the moment the person finds an exit, they're the F out of there.
Anyway, I hope this was useful and I love you and I don't expect you to come back, but I would love if you will. And I hope you have a merry scuba dive in your local neighborhood forever and ever. I'm in. Bye. Bye.
Thank you for listening to The Chris Abraham Show. Make sure you subscribe so you don't miss any future episodes. Until next time. Now.
